ATTENTION!

My blog has moved...to my personal website! If you want to keep reading my inane thoughts, please go to:

www.janhare.com/blog

Or you could stay here and stare at this page that will not change anymore!

Frustration... unappreciation

I stood outside in the freezsing cold yesterday pushing yet another wheelbarrow of manure across the frozen mud and thought about life (in a most negative way!). Times like these make me feel so unappreciated...it is so frustrating. I clean these darn stalls out every day and i know the horses sure don't appreciate it. They could care less! Yet every night I haul out barrow after barrow of frozen manure so they can have a soft, clean space to sleep on. Do they even care that I am busting my butt to complete dozens of artwork orders in order to earn money to feed and support them? At this moment I am rushing as fast as possible because I need to be at the girls' Christmas concert in 15 minutes...I am sure they could care less if I was really there or not. At least that's the attitude they portray...I wonder sometimes why I bother. The one thing I do at home constantly is laundry...empty pockets of a million tissues, soak and scrub stains out of favorite outfits, take the time to smooth and press wrinkled shirts, sort and pair up the socks, yada yada day in and day out and no one really gives it a thought (instead I hear about how I 'do nothing'). The dishes magically get emptied out of the dishwasher, and the piles of nasty wet food-covered dirty dishes get rinsed and washed. Our band follows the football team through 15 games all the way through the state championships, plus pep assemblies and rah-rah sessions for the team...and no one connected with the team or the administration gives a thank you to the band (or me for working 100+ hours of overtime for no extra pay). The band is by far the most unappreciated group in this school or any school I have been to. This is sad, since there is no group of students more dedicated! They have to be dedicated to practice 2+ hours a day and give up every weekend and get NO words of thanks or compliments from anyone else associated with the school or athletic department. The one place where I felt appreciated was walking out of the church in downtown Dayton where I just played a Christmas service gig...so many of the church members thanked me for playing for them...heck, and I did it because I needed the money....I got appreciation plus a couple hundred bucks!

Tis the season and all that, I just need to lighten up I guess. I was doing great financially, and then the Christmas bills came up on my credit card and cone again I had to dip into savings to pay the bill. Oh well, Christmas is only once a year, and hopefully everything will be appreciated on Christmas morning. if not, well, that isn't so different from any other day, so who am I to complain?

Many roles

I had an interesting dinner the other night with 4 very different people. Kind of cool - each person views me in a totally different light, and I play a different role to each. To one I am an aunt and family member, to one I am a teacher/mentor, to one an employer, and to one a friend who can be silly and cut up with. It's neat to think about all the different roles one plays in a life - to each person you meet, you are playing a different part. Yet you are basically the same person to all...interesting!

Scrooge

Why am I not in the Christmas spirit this year? I really have no desire to decorate or even listen to Christmas music. I am not looking forward to shopping, or to the fun Christmas family activities. I guess I feel kind of alienated and disconnected this year, which makes for very little Christmas spirit.

I've done quite a bit of Christmas shopping already. I've bought pretty much all of Kevin's gifts by now, and it was fun picking out a lot of different things that will be uniquely his. But now I am just kind of ...'blah'...not very excited. I know Kevin dreads shopping for me (hence the shoppingless Christmas he did last year), so maybe I just feel like it has become more of a business arrangement than fun gift-exchanging. He comes from the $20-check-gift-family background, so it is to be expected. I just hope he has fun shopping, and if it becomes a chore to him, we should all just skip it. Heaven knows we already have enough chores in our daily lives!

Or maybe I should just shaddup and leave it alone. I am in a very down mood today. I am sick (probably the flu...ugh), plus very depressed over conversations last night. I am feeling very low, so the solution will be to go spend quality horse time this afternoon and then come home and make some of Mom's soup for supper. Oh yes, and then paint paint paint paint paint paint. This is my 'second job'...tonight will be a late night as I try to finish more Christmas orders.

Learning your lessons

Do people really ever learn from their life lessons, or are they eternally doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again? I think most people believe they have learned from their mistakes, but the pattern is set and they are doomed to relive history. I mean, how can one really change the way you think, they way you are wired, the way you look at the world, and the actions you choose to take? Many people try to change to fit the mold that others see for us, but are you really truely changed or is just the shell of your existance painted to make it look as if you are different?

I find I am doomed to make the same mistakes over and over again. I can be determined to do things different this time, and sometimes I manage to keep up the facade, but the old habits keep coming through. I don't think people can really change, but they can adapt their minds and actions to fit the desires of others. It's a tough row to hoe, because you constantly have to play the part.

But anyways, I am stryaing from my original point - life's lessons. You always read about the children of abusive parents that grow up to become abusive parents themselves, or people who have disastrous marriages only to divorce and marry someone just like the first. I wonder how many of life's lessons that I keep repeating over and over again. I think I am growing and becoming a better (more intelligent) person each day, but is this really true? Are we all just victims of the lethal combination of our own personal makeup plus our upbringing (nature PLUS nurture)? It's a sad, depressing thought to believe that people can never really change. What do you think?

Being Thankful

Ok, so only a couple days until Thanksgiving...time for the annual list! This is a good time to sit down and seriously count your blessings. It's a good wake-up call for the negative people who think life is horrible...take a good honest look at the good things in life that you DO have!

So, here's my list...I am thankful for:

• Good health (the obvious one, but wow, we sure take that for granted, don't we?)
• Kevin, who lets me be my own person with my own life (this is huge - everyone should have someone in their life that accepts them for who and what they are...skeletons and all LOL!)
• My great and wonderful horses (yes, they are like my children! I am so proud of them, and I marvel daily at how I have ended up with such great beasts to call my own)
• My job (It's a huge amount of work for very little pay, but for the most part it is FUN!)
• My abilities (I am thankful I have some mediocre talents - music, art, equestrian, etc....it makes life a lot more fun and interesting for me to be spread out into many different fields)
• My metabolism (enough said!)
• My computer(s) (sounds weird, I know, but my computer keeps me connected to my horse show friends plus other friends that are scattered about the country. Plus it allows me to express my geeky, intellectual side!)
• My parents (they made me who I am (the good parts, anyways!))

I can think of lots more, but it's time to leave work and go home, so I'll leave the list incomplete!

I hate cold weather

I think it's time to move south. I am hating this cold weather. It's so odd how some people love the cold and snow, and others totally despise it. I wouldn't mind if it stayed in the 90's year-round! When the cold comes, I lose energy, I have a hard time getting motivated to do anything! Last night, I had a ton of painting to do. Instead I sat there and zoned out and played at several different things, ate a huge plate of spaghetti, and was a complete lazy bum. I didn't even have the energy to turn the TV on. If I lived farther south where the weather stayed warmer, I bet I would accomplish a lot more in my day to day life.

It is also hard to wake up in the morning when it is cold. Going to sleep is nice, I will admit - curling up under the blankets all night. But that first step out of bed into the cold air is pure agony. Then there is that first step outside in the below-freezing temps after being in a warm house all night...driving to work in a car that has an icy steering wheel. I need to invest in a good pair of gloves.

The cold has it's good points, I guess. The stalls are easier to clean because the manure freezes...hey, that's something!

Patience is a virtue, right?

Having patience with someone is a tough job. Sometimes you are furstrated with what you are doing or what is happening, and patience is the first thing to go. Patience is basically a sign of respect for someone. Assuming someone is 'stupid' is wrong...people don't always make their instructions clear. Perhaps the lack of patience is the result of a lack of good communication skills? If you don't communicate clearly your wants or needs, you can't expect them to be fulfilled instantly. Irregardless, there is no need to be rude to someone just because you become impatient.

Most highly intelligent people tend to be impatient often. It is a sad trait that goes hand-in-hand with high capabilities...people who are highly capable of a skill tend to be short on patience with someone who is not at their level. Often, those people have trouble communicating what they want from someone because they assume that everyone is on the same page, or the same wavelength, as themselves. Unfortunately, most people who are like this tend to stay like this because they fail to see (or admit) what they need to do or change in order to make things go smoothly.

Great performance!

We had a great marching band concert last night. Those kids make me so proud!

We do have a lot of fun - I think that is most important....music should be FUN! Hard work, yes...but you have to enjoy the work.

Our drumline performing the percussion feature this year...too cool!

Becoming Self-Contained

That's my goal - to become self-contained again. Sounds strange, like I am turning into Tupperware or something! To be self-contained, you really live the true independent life. All your wants and needs are fulfilled by yourself, and you don't need anyone else. You may want someone else, but you don't need them and can live a very full life without.

Man, that's tough. To be self-contained, I have to be willing to go at it alone, to do the things I want or need to by myself, and not depend on the companionship or assistance of anyone else. If either of those two things appear, it is just icing ion the cake, a bonus. but life can and will go on and success will happen without it. If you are self-contained, you don't put any time pressures on anyone else, and you don't ask for nor need assistance. That's a hard one for me. It's tough to be willing and able to go at it completely alone. That old saying "No man is an island" is really untrue...you can be an island with a broken bridge. Or an island in shallow water - you can be accessible only if someone is willing to get a little damp.

Who, me?

The dangerous thing about relationships is that we start to view ourselves though someone else's eyes instead of our own. Now, occasionally this is a good exercise, but if you do it constantly you really lose sight of yourself and who you are. The worst thing is if you get into the habit of always doing this, and then the person you are viewing yourself through stops 'seeing' you. Then, you really lose sight of yourself. Who are you? Are you necessary? Are you important? Do you matter? If the view of yourself you are looking at is someone else's view, and their view is of a blank spot (where you should be), then you need to get out of that spot and reassess yourself. If you don't, you start second-gussing everything, and paranoia sets in. The dangerous thing about relationships is when someone else's view of you becomes more important than your own view of yourself! When that other person stops seeing you, you disappear. That ain't good!!!

Rainy days and Mondays

Ok, I started that title, then we had a fire drill. I went outside to find that it is sunny and warm...go figure! That's what you get when you don't have ANY windows in your room, you are oblivious to the weather outside.

I meant to write this entry about TIME, the value of it, the lack of, and time spent or not spent together....was feeling rather down. But how can I stay down when I go outside suddenly, and what was a dark and rainy morning at 7:30am has turned into bright sunshine? There just aren't enough sunny days in one's lifetime to spend one of them feeling angry or depressed.

But anyways...time...what a concept. We all have these really compacted, filled lives and our personal time has to be divided up between work, play, duties, and time spent with people that are important to us. The sad thing is, often people take 'important people' for granted. You know what I mean - you have someone very important to you in your life, but since you know (or assume) that the person will be around you for a lifetime, you consistently shove them to the back burner in order to spend time with other people or doing other things. One thing I do know, is that NOTHING is forever, not even time. Time NOT spent is the biggest regret people have in their lives. I don't regret the things I have done, but rather the things not done.

I often heard that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Unfortunately, this isn't necessarily true. The industrious person will go get the grease. The lazy person will just toss the squeaky wheel out and look for a new maintenance-free one to replace it. Hmmm....that's an interesting thought. I'll have to ponder over that for a few days.

Ouch, my neck!

We are back from Congress! Corky was wonderful, she handled everything really great. We finished somewhere in the top 14 of the class :-]. I was one of the only non-professionals in the class...very proud to show my own yearling that I bred, raised, and trained without any outside help. I don't have a lot of respect for people that buy their youngesters and them ship them off to trainers to do all the work, or hire big names just to show their horse for political reasons. People like that are what creates and enables politics in the show ring. OK, off of the soapbox!

I spent saturday night in the hospital emergency room...finally broke down at midnight and admitted that the pain in my neck was too bad to live with. When I turned my head to the left, my vision went black. Seems I have a pinched nerve and an 'acute cervical sprain' (ooo, sounds serious LOL!). Unfortunately I cannot stay on the drugs prescribed, because then I can't work. So I only took the meds on Sunday, and have been toughing it out for the past 3 days. I refuse to be a baby and complain all the time...I haven't even told anyone about the pain (other than my poor husband who had to sit for 3 hours in the hospital with me!). I just keep telling myself to suck it up and get on with it!

Being in pain really makes one appreciate good health. I have taken it for granted for so long...never even considering that I might one day not be able to do the active things I do daily. I hope I never slow down physically...that would be so depressing. I want to get even stronger and more fit, so that very little will tire me out. I need to get stronger so I can be more secure when breaking Corky to saddle this winter. She is going to be a strong one...I need to stay stronger. Having my neck injured really makes me a bit more paranoid about back/neck injuries. Without a good spine, one is pretty useless. I need good strong legs also, plus arms. Hmmmm...if I had to sacrifice a body part, whcih ones could I live without? I suppose maybe one of my inner toes, like the second smallest one? I don't think that one gets much of a workout. I already sacrificed the end of one thumb, I don't miss it all that much. I could probably live without a nose, but then I would look funny and how would my glasses stay up? Ok, I think I will go home and take some vitamins (Bugs Bunny, of course!).

This is it!

This is it!!! Corky and I leave for Congress tonight after work. I am a bundle of nerves...hoping to get this all out of my system before we leave! Everything is packed except the horse (would be bad to forget her!). Now I just endure the day until I leave.

I am trying to set my goals low, and not get my hopes or expectations up too high. I don't want to leave the show arena disappointed...I want to remember that it is a miracle that we are even here and that Corky is healthy enough to show, and that by just being here I have 'won' something. I hope Corky behaves and does her longe work well, I want everyone to see what a cool horse she is. Most of all, I want to have FUN! I want to erase my last memory of Congress and the disastrous equitation class in 2003 with Taylor, and I want to leave with a positive, happy feeling. Wish us luck!