Getting a handle on things

I have heard the phrase "God only gives someone what he can handle". I don't know if I am believing that today. On days like today I lay here and wonder how can God even imagine that I am capable of handling all of these problems? Why is it that when one area of your life goes sour, all the areas take a nosedive? Like your entire world is crumbling apart all at once. I sit here and think about that phrase - that God somehow knows that I can handle all of this right now. Pile it on, dude! I wonder a lot of times if God even recalls that he put me here. Hello? Anyone home?

You see, I am supposed to remain positive, regardless of what happens. I am supposed to be completely self-confident and easy-going even when I am faced with everything wrong I have ever done, every character flaw I hold, and every misconstrued word that ever left my lips. I am supposed to remain self-assured and secure in my person even when those closest to me are telling me that every facet of my personality is wrong, is bad, is hard to live with, is unattractive, is not what they want to be with. I am supposed to stay happy and upbeat even when relationships are shattering and I am being told that the basic core of my being is not good.

You know, I sit here and realize that no matter what, it all comes down to ME anyways. I can't live my life for someone else and I cannot form my personality and be the cutout figure that someone else has in mind. I am what I am (yikes I am quoting Popeye!), and although I constantly strive to improve, I cannot change my basic fabric. I am an intense, driven person and I NEVER do things halfway - not hobbies, not my job, and not my relationships. The sad thing is that becaue I am like this, even small failures are personal disasters. Because I put 100% of my self into everything, facing my failure means I am facing a complete section of my being that is bad, wrong, or incompetent. That's tough, andmost people do not understand how I am...they look at this trait and find that it is intimidating, annoying, and dramatic. It's not drama...it's ME, love me or leave me!