Viewing ourselves through others

You know what I think my number one problem is? I am constantly looking at myself through other peoples' eyes. I am measuring myself and my worth based on what other people are seeing in front of them. No wonder I am so screwed up in the head. I feel like I am constantly trying to assess what other people are thinking about me, and make huge attempts to correct their misconceptions of me or my actions. Why not let it be? People will think that they think. I can change my outward appearance, but i can't change what's inside. If people can't manage to look deep enough to see ME, then to heck with 'em!

I wonder though...I am I really that bad of a person that causes my own husband to jump to the first negative conclusuion about me, rather than giving the benefit of the doubt? Obviously this is a situation that I have somehow created. Looking back, I see that I have had some negative days. I wonder if there is a mathematical equation, like one negative day equals and negates 4 positive days, so that in reality, my negative days out number the positive ones based on their overwhelming size. Oh heck, math was never my strong suit. Maybe I just need to work hard to remove ALL negative days within my life, or at least schedule them for the days I am alone. It tears me up inside to think that someone that close to me feels so negatively about me. I've never been a negative person...where did this person come from? Am I really that negative and angry all the time?

Today I am in a positive mood. My leg muscles ACHE from riding the past two days (that two-point position is a killer!), btu it's a good ache. It tells me the weather is nice, my horse is home, and I rode enough to make it worthwhile. The sun is shining, and it is in the 70's. I think if every day was like today, I'd NEVER have a negative day! I hear the traffic outside thanks to some open windows that let in fresh air, and the kitchen smells of an interesting combination of ravioli and permanent marker. Maybe it's the marker smell that is making me happy :)