Living incognito

I have been working hard on becoming a different person. I don't particularly care for this person, but I think it is necessary to save what little good is left in my relationships. I think sometimes my personality is a bit too strong or forceful for some people...especially other forceful and strong personalities. Two strong people can clash and make huge problems. Back in the good old days the personalities would clash and produce fireworks of the good kind. Now they just clash and create fires of destruction. Since I only really have control over myself and no one else, changing myself seems to be the only solution. I feel like I am wearing a mask, like I am bland and white and absolutely uninteresting. I hate it. But I am willing to do whatever is necessary in order to save this relationship.

I find myself alone more and more...of course even I don't want to spend time with this person I have made myself into. But at least things aren't breaking and falling apart.

Shocking news!

You know, think I am actually getting tired of pretzels. Pretzels have been my snack of choice since Dec. 24, 2001 (yes, I can even remember the date LOL!). I am getting tired of them, but do not currently have another snack food waiting to take it's place so I guess I'll keep eating them until I am totally sick of them.

Yes, I have weird food habits. I eat a minimal number of things each day (not counting when I go out to eat or eat with someone else).

• Ravioli
• Spaghetti
• Pretzels
• Fat Free Cheddar Cheese potato chips
• Cereal (right now the choice is Frosted Flakes)
• 94% fat free popcorn (Orville's kettlecorn...yum!)
• Toast (occasionally)
• Stove top stuffing
• My mom's soup

That's pretty much it! My number one pet peeve (along with all my other 'number one' pet peeves) is people who make comments about what I eat. I don't poke around in YOUR meal and exclaim 'is that all you're eating?' or 'don't you want anything else?' or 'are you sure that's what you want?'. AUGH!!!! Leave me alone to eat as I choose!!! I won't starve to death, and I'll enjoy my meal a LOT more if people wouldn't constantly berate me about it. Ok, end of rant :)

Back home again

It's nice to be home again, I guess. I was gone for 2 1/2 weeks...one week at band camp then a week and a half in Florida and other parts.

Yes, it was a nice trip. I was tempted to write in my blog on my laptop from Florida, but I thought it might be best to leave things as is for a while. Things are a bit tense around here, there is a lot of anger and sadness...I'll leave it at that.


Isn't that beautiful? This was taken with my Panasonic DMC-FZ20 digital camera - with a Leica lens no less! What a yummy camera.


Florida was nice, very hot, and we did not see a drop of rain from the time we left (Friday evening) till the time we got home (1am Monday, a week and a half later). On the way down, we finally gave into temptation and stopped at the much-advertised RUBY FALLS. After seeing a billboard for this place every mile or so down the entire length of I-75, we stopped and paid the $12.95 per person to travel down underground to see this 'spectacular' waterfall. Folks, save your money! I think my bathroom faucet has more water coming out of it than these falls. Definitely ddon't go if you are claustrophobic...they tried to cram as many suckers as possible down these little cave shafts...we had to walk 45 minutes underground with wall-to-wall people to see the falls, and then they gave us about 5 minutes to look and hustled us out of there.

We stayed a week in St. Augustine with my family (fun, sun, relaxing, gotta love it!), and then headed home. We stopped in Brevard, NC to do some tubing on the French Broad River (brrrrr...cold!). Spending time in NC makes me realize that I really like mountains. They make me so relaxed, just looking at them.


OK, this is a photo of an ancient van pulling a trailer with a junky car on it stuffed with junk. How cool is that...talk about hillbilly!!!

Turn the other cheek

I am TRYING very hard to let some things go. Somone hurt me preety deeply recently, and I sat and dwelled on it for about a day. It was eating me up inside to the point that I felt sick! When I tried to discuss how I felt, all I got back was denial and finger pointing. Well...I can sit here for the next week and stew about it, worry about it, and generally feel bad about it.....or I can just pick up and go on and let it go. Turn the other cheek, so to speak. Man, letting things go (the things that REALLY hurt you) is SO hard to do! I mean, it's a lot of work to physically remove the hurt from your mind and not bring it up, not think about it, and not feel bad. I worked hard last night at trying to make myself feel better over it - kept myself really busy all the way until bedtime. It kind of worked. It's just so hard when you find out the most important person in your life thinks that you are very flawed, and really doesn't like or respect you very much. I start feeling very low about myself and my self-confidence plummets. I talk to myself and tell myself what a good person I really am, but it really doesn't mean much coming from myself!

BUT, I have let it go. This entry will be the last I make mention of it, I hope. I am moving on, in many many different ways.

Who ARE you?

I feel sometimes like a person divided. Divided into a thousand different slices that have nothing in common and are not joined in any way, shape, or form. I feel sometimes I need to SCREAM in order to be heard. I feel sometimes like I am screaming into an empty echo chamber, and the only person answering is my own screams.I feel pulled in a hundred different directions. I wish I had more money. I have more money than I thought I would, but of course it's never enough. I am so taken over by laziness tonight, and I panic as I sit here thinking of all I need to do but cannot get motivated to do it. It's like I am in a suspended state - I know what needs to be done, but the muscles won't work, I cannot move.